Saturday, May 31, 2008

Six weeks.

I wasn't in good form today. Who knows why. I didn't even want to hang out with myself. Maybe it's all part of the existential nausea that comes from the consciousness of my life changing completely in six weeks. People ask me what I'm going to do next. If I'm going to get married. I tell them I'm going back to Minneapolis and looking for a job, and that's really all I know.

What kind of job?

I don't know.

About one year and seven months ago, I felt like I was somewhere. I enjoyed my job, and felt like had a place within my company, within this culture. Colin longed for the Twin Cities, but I said that there was nothing there for me anymore. I had already experienced being jobless there, feeling useless and unlikeable. Here, at least there was one thing I was definitely qualified to do. Colin wasn't sure about re-contracting for another year, but I was. By the time he began feeling better about his situation, I was feeling worse. It's unsettling how greatly I can misjudge a situation.

I don't really want to go, because I'm used to it here, and change is terrifying. But I know, just like I knew about the Twin Cities before, that there is nothing here for me anymore. Not even money. Maybe if things were different, maybe if I lived in a city and had a different job, but that's not the case. The universe said no. So I'm going back to the place where I'm a useless college graduate with experience only in an area that requires a graduate degree in the US. All possibilities are open, but for some reason every time I look into that "anything is possible" logic, I just find closing doors. You can't do this because you have to have graduated within the past year. You can't do this because you need to have majored in this. You can't do this because you need two years experience in this.


Since I only have six weeks, I have to hurry up with posting. I have a few fragments I never finished, and once I leave Japan they're not relevant anymore. Expect some anachronism.


Blogger AzzidisRidden said...

"All possibilities are open..."

... except that they're not. I know what you mean.

All of the possibilities that I imagine might lead to something that I want to do with my life (grad school, travel somewhere new, spending a year honing my writing and submitting things)are kind of impeded by the realities of my life as it is now.

Then I have the possibilities that satisfy my immediate needs (crappy service industry jobs that keep my bills paid, living at my parent's house, etc) and none of them are things that I feel like I can do, without feeling like I've failed in some way.

What are you gonna do with your writing, Cassie?

9:18 AM  
Blogger archipelagic said...

At the moment I'm thinking that I'll take a job that pays the bills and try for some freelance writing gigs so I can build a portfolio.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Cassie,

Sorry you're feeling down. Major change is hard and scary, no question, but you're better prepared and more gifted than lots of people in a similar situation. The world is large. Even the twin cities are pretty large. Opportunities will no doubt be there.
Is Colin coming back at the same time as you?
You are certainly welcome to stay with us when you come back if Mom's place is too crowded. We have an extra bedroom and private bath, and it's pretty quiet here.
I don't think staying with parents means you've failed in any way! I'm very, very proud of you.

1:28 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home